This way for the Chatsworth Express. Come and watch pikeys making a mess of their lives.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money,
or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included
is why pubs or drugs were kindly invented,
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head, but you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth's buccaneers,
who'll come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
(LAUGHING) Scatter!
Party!
'Photographs can do the total opposite of jogging your memory.
'The second you press click,
'you sacrifice the right to recollections.
'You can stare at a picture till doomsday, but you won't smell smells,
'won't hear voices, and all the rumpy-pumpy surrounding the snapshot.
'They say the camera never lies.
'Photos, though, maim any memory beyond their thin, white frames.
'I wish I'd known this sooner.'
We did not ensure the horrors of childbirth seven times
to populate this lonely planet!
And I did not work my fingers to the bone, both inside and outside,
putting food on our table,
nor zig-zag through the most ham-fisted civil war in history,
to have to take it right up the shitter
paying for these devil's dildos!
You were on the phone with Auntie Mags for hours doing the crossword.
Zambia won't be cheap, will it?
Argh! Yeah, well, she's my sister, and I miss her.
And nobody should have to pay to speak to a fuckin' nun!
Not their fault you've not been invited.
Zizzy's funeral.
Me? At Zizzy Ahmed's funeral?
Same Zizzy poached my slot-machines racket while I'm in the slammer?
Same Zizzy Ahmed I lent ten grand to to pay for his wedding?
The cellmate who saved your life on the rotunda.
Now, dead...Zizzy.
Making him the second one. Bam!
Gone.
Ring Sunita, ask her if you can go.
Can't, don't know where my phone is.
Haven't got a suit black enough.
They're Indians.
You've that shirt we bought in Benidorm they'd love you for.
Plus, new rule, elbows off the table
while the telly's on, starting Monday.
Right, everybody got, before I sit down for a bit of me time?
Fuck!
What's up?
All three unis offered full bursaries, all three!
So, is that it?
Going to Durham? When?
Nottingham, we decided.
Council house students on full bursary, statistically,
are more likely to die under the age of 25.
Ian! That's horrible.
They're not used to the money, always waving it about, magnets for muggings.
So, the coursework nosedives,
bus straight back to council-house heaven.
Why is that going to kill anyone?
What, getting twatted from all mates they left behind?
Different accents, and using big words?
Well done, mate.
And you. Come here.
You told me these were all rejections.
So, what?
They changed their minds? All three?
Or were you just bullshitting me, cos if you were, we need
to talk about this, cos I feel a bit left out.
I wasn't going to go if I didn't get the money.
Which...
I told him to.
Me and all.
We all did.
We're not struggling, just for my sake.
How clever is he then?
Tell your daddy how proud you are.
Clever Daddy.
Why are yous all crying?
It's what he wanted.
How does a guy not feel threatened by mortality when he's lost two
ex-closest friends and worst debtors within the space of a month?
How could you?!
What I meant earlier was,
it's possible
that you're in the throes of a depression...
What you said was dangerously offensive
to a man of my constitution. Depressed? For fuck's sake?
I think what I meant was, a depression by proxy.
A pretend depression, if you will.
What kind of stuff's required to fix this little fucker, then, hey?
Anti-depressants.
But...placebo-esque ones,
for pretend depression, by proxy.
Right you are.
Thank you.
Truth being, Mrs Ahmed,
I heard about your son within a fortnight of Felix Fawcett's demise.
Bloke Zizzy, Ronnie and I shared a cell with.
Like Three Musketeers, we were, the four of us.
Me, Felix, as black as you like, Ronnie Cohen, the only Jew castigated
for making good money, and your beautiful Zizzy.
Nights on end, talking about finding the right girl he would marry.
Ah, all three so alike.
Uncannily alike, when it came to unpaid debts
and treading on my business toes.
No ill of the dead intended.
First among equals, your Zizzy.
Ergo, drowning with dignity in the privacy of his own bathroom.
Mmm?
You're joking, aren't you? You can't seat my dad next to yours.
But we have to if your mum's not coming.
I'm hoping he's not coming, not if he brings that nutter.
She looks like Chris Moyles in a jumpsuit.
It doesn't matter who comes, anyway.
No one's gonna be looking at anyone but the bride.
Especially me.
< Oi!
You're supposed to be doing the barrels.
Oh! Where am I sitting, then?
"Am I bovvered"?
Just put my name on your furniture when you split up.
Only give me long enough to save a couple of hundred quid.
BANGING ON DOOR
LAUGHTER FROM TV
Sorry!
Not a chance without the remote, Carl.
You can reach the controls from here.
I watch telly in bed.
Another 20, and I'll find you a Sky dish,
and I'll get you to stick to reach the buttons.
Why the hurry?
Please...
All right.
One condition - you make sure your mam hears about this.
You must tell her that I gave you double that.
I've stopped her pocket money cos Worzel kept cadging it off her.
I know he's your dad, but she must hate herself to let that bedridden fuck anywhere near her.
Do us a favour in the meantime -
you say it loud and clear -
Norma is doing up this van, splashing out.
What, this shit hole?
She thinks I've stopped her spends because I'm skint.
But she needs showing that what's mine is hers.
But not until she puts that mongrel to sleep.
Spend it on a flat of your own.
I'm not budging from here until she leaves with me.
Which might not happen until I tidy my act up,
give her a reason to look at me twice.
Sorry, I...
(SOBS) >
Ta. >
Who would you tell first if you was in the shit?
Deep shit.
Running out of time so you can't breathe properly?
Not long, you'll all be going, "What the fuck happened to our Carl?"
"It's quiet without Lip,"
and then, "Anybody seen Carl?
"It's a lot...
"lot quieter."
You can't lend us 500 by Friday, can you? >
(SCREAMS)
What kind of shit did they mix this stuff with?
Go on, shift, make us a brew.
And stop frowning!
♪ Ave dominus
♪ Dominus Tecum
♪ Benedicta tu in mulieribus
♪ Et benedictus fructus ventris
♪ Ventris tuae, Jesus
♪ Ave Maria. ♪
APPLAUSE
Ah, if there's no place in heaven for yous lot,
someone is getting a punch in the knickers from me,
tell 'em I said so. Whoops!
If you hadn't seen the state of them, they could have been angels.
That's the first time my hair's stood on end.
Are you lot sisters?
We're all at Roswell.
Rehabilitation Offenders Showcase, down Wellington Road.
In that case, you should be extra proud.
Right, sizes, so the seamstress can cut the patterns out. Who's first?
Why didn't you tell me it had switched?
Me mam told...
Remember, outside Boots?
When I went, "Singers, change of plan.
"Bad news for Angela here, she has been summoned to crown court."
And you went, "Is Angela the scraggy, ginger, deaf one?"
Karen, you didn't?
And I said, "Yeah..."
Dickhead. No!
"..but I think she'd prefer 'little red-headed stunner with a hearing impairment'."
We'd better shoot if you don't want to miss the start again.
Keys, Mickey. And a lid for Karen.
Watch that throttle for sticking.
And it's running low on juice.
Hey, I'd think twice before singing at his wedding.
This mug's a probation officer now.
Training to be.
My brother, a probation officer? That's embarrassing.
Until one of us changes his mind.
Is it all right paying you next week for this gear?
Mam's cool about it.
Will you stop talking to me like a total stranger?
Just don't be caught retailing.
You've been doing that for years, phoned more scags than Longford.
Teaching dozy pricks how not to get caught is economic imperative.
I can't operate franchises with the labour force in prison.
No comparison to the scale of defection you're contemplating.
I need you to know that I love you...
..more than words could ever describe.
I'm sorry about your mate, Dad.
How humiliating, eh? Ignore me. Shut the door.
Behind you.
A very warm welcome back to our third weekend
of your probation induction course at Anderton Lodge, of all places.
Boom-boom. We... Oh.
Welcome back.
Particularly, special thanks to you wives, husbands, joining us now,
for dedicating time and effort, supporting your partners,
helping them back into the mainstream,
and more importantly, start putting something back into society,
using their firsthand, service user experience
to hopefully, touch wood, turn one or two skags
from our beloved public housing sector into responsible citizens
and tax payers.
Swallow that, you'll swallow anything.
Only messing.
Reputation to uphold...
(I'm telling you, Jamie, your mam's got a big screw loose.)
I am talking here, Mrs Maguire.
Er, so am I, pal.
♪ SUGABABES: Push The Button
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ian!
Somebody's after a pint of tweezers.
No, it's a pint and two Es.
Two quid each, Â£2.50 after 10 o'clock.
It's me, now that I am the captain of this little ship
while Jez is away on maternity, with little baby Jason...
APPLAUSE
Ah!
..who she incubated for profit,
charging that young couple a fortune.
So, can people please stop passing cards to the bar staff
for them to send on, without stamps?
♪ Sometimes, it's hard to be a woman... ♪
Did I tell you, she had 18 stitches?
(THEY GASP)
Is that all?
♪ ..all your love to just one man... ♪
Oh, God, shutting the shop down, or what?
Banging it in, shooting off.
Oh! But you came to see the hypnotist, he'll be on in a sec.
Yeah, he'll cure your headache.
Regressed to a past life, Jacko with two dicks and one eye.
Ow!
I've just got you a drink in, don't be a giver-upper.
If you're twisting my arm, like...
♪ ..Stand by your man
♪ And tell the world you love him... ♪
They'll think you're paying, Norma.
Get the clown on!
♪ ..Stand by your man! ♪
FRANK: She's off.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What if you wasn't just tarting the van up to sit here waiting, but actually making it drivable,
as if any second now, you'll be setting off somewhere else, somewhere brilliant.
Like America.
It's not mine to drive off.
Exactly.
But if you give us a oner for the logbook,
you can say you're driving through Texas.
< Yours for a oner,
but I'll need the money by Friday.
Get fucked.
Beg pardon.
Didn't mean you.
Mum!
What's Norma doing the van up for to go to Texas? >
If you're saying stupid stuff cos you're sleepwalking, I'll have to fetch someone. It freaks me out.
No, she is.
Texas, with that blonde bird with the big tits.
See her sneaking in and out sometimes.
Is she a mate of yours? >
Probably.
Who've you been seeing at four in the morning?
Finding a petrol station.
We filled up when we set off.
Not with rubbers...
..chocolates,
and most importantly...
..wrapping paper.
What is it?
The whole point of travelling miles was to keep you guessing a bit longer.
Go on.
You don't do the rings yet, you knob.
This one's allowed any time.
< Eternity ring.
Wow!
I've never been known what they're were meant to be for. I know what the word means...
You're mad sometimes, you.
This is doing my head in.
Hey...
This is yours.
From me.
For life.
For ever.
Oh, man.
Mum! Do you mind?
^ Do you mind?
Mum!
For fuck's sake, Carl, grow up.
< And put some weight on.
Carl?
What?
Carl!
Carl?
What?
D'ya know what? You can all get fucked,
eat shit, and die.
Cos I ain't gonna be here much longer.
Not that I'm bitching about your estimate, I'm a great believer in you get what you pay for.
It's just, I would expect it to be perfect for that price.
Have you seen this? Spending money like it's fuckin' water.
Is that all you ever think about, money?
Well, you said she was totally obsessed with you.
Of course she is, it's as plain as day.
Right, well, just tell her that you need more proof,
enough to get us by till Friday.
Go on!
Just get out there and get some spends.
Where's your lipstick?
Fuckin' turned into super nanny now.
I'm a fan of first impressions.
I'm telling you, Norma. This little home, I can turn it into a palace.
Knock-knock.
I heard voices, thought I'd check you weren't being burgled.
We don't stare.
Something I learn to get used to.
After 9/11, we are all potential terrorists.
Couldn't lend us 30, could you? Get food for the kiddies?
How many kids?
Six, mostly underweight.
I'd hate to impose. Say if you're skint.
Top hat and tails? On your way! I'd look like an overdressed undertaker.
If she's having a scarlet wedding dress,
you want summat a bit more cocky than formal.
I had to get wed in a turquoise twin set.
Top were turquoise, pants were purple.
I burnt all the photos.
The scarlet thing...
That's just for the bridesmaids.
Bride and maid, you said.
I hope so. The fellow that got me this is on remand now.
The bride?!
In scarlet?!
Rhyming with fuckin' harlot!
Tell me someone's taking the piss.
I wanna get married in white.
Just white.
It was your idea.
It wasn't me.
When?
I meant, it was his idea.
Me?
I said to you,
how our new Karen's gonna look fabulous in yards of white organza.
You went quiet on account
of white organza reminding of you of less happy occasions,
i.e. what your dear mother insisted on being buried in.
< Yeah?
I told you that.
Et cetera. Unless of course you never meant a bleeding word of it,
< cos it's truer than he thinks.
Patrick Maguire can't hold his ale any more.
(ALL LAUGH)
Is that it?
Can this one manage without the doorbell on the big day?
Or is that gonna bugger your descants?
(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)
Oh, bugger.
This isn't funny, Jamie.
It's pathetic. A bunch of blokes, letting them run rings round you.
It's only a dress. >
She won't let anybody think for themselves.
Because the family falls apart when they try to.
She's just a low rate, loudmouth drug dealer, in a shitty little dump like this,
charging over the odds, more than they can afford, ripping them off,
scaring people shitless, till they hate her fuckin' guts.
What have you forked out for them?
You get what you pay for.
Right, you two, inside for your tea.
Chips again, I'm afraid, but that's all I can afford.
Just have to hope my lucky number has come up in the rollover draw.
Where's the chips, then?
Nearly ready, just need peeling.
Carl!
Oi!
I know it needs plugging in. To do what?
I don't know exactly, but retails at 80, yours for 30,
which is...
< Shit!
Hiya, Yvonne.
Best price for a bottle of bubbly for a hard-working civil servant. >
If you're not too snobby, I've got the Bosnian stuff. Tenner apiece or three for 30.
Wanna get silly and go for three?
< Three please, Yvonne.
Somebody's birthday?
Somebody's death.
Ron Cohen, as seen on TV.
Panorama, World In Action, the lot.
The most hard-faced landlord to walk this town. Owns half of Chadwick Green.
Monoxide poisoning from his own central heating!
Cheers, mate.
Where did you get this?
Shit.
A customer left it.
When I tried pre-ordering, they said 12-week wait.
How much?
They retail at over 90,
but if you join the Christmas club with 20 quid up front,
I could let you have it for 75.
Sold. Bring you a cheque round later?
Brilliant.
See you.
20, we said, isn't it?
RADIO: '..challenged by legal action on no less than 25 occasions.
'One case was famously scheduled for a High Court hearing.
'But it never made its day because the plaintiff...'
Paddy, hey!
What's the matter?
(GASPS)
Come on, Paddy.
I'll go get Mimi.
Mimi? No.
Ron Cohen.
Monoxide poisoning.
There's someone seriously taking the piss out of me now.
You know what you need? You need a drink.
Taxi, please, Yvonne.
I think I've got some EasyJet miniatures in the back somewhere.
Ronnie Cohen, last time I saw him, bowling alley,
hard core ding-dong, as only close friends can.
Went too far, I know!
Injuries on that scale weren't my intention.
We agreed a truce, mutual admirers, keeping our distance.
Him more than me. He worshipped me.
Third musketeer, down.
Gone!
Carbon monoxide poisoning!
Zizzy Ahmed, topped himself.
Felix Fawcett, suicide.
I'm really sorry.
How much longer have I got?
I'm the fourth musketeer!
And I don't see Satan stopping at three.
Do you?
So what I was wondering was, what somebody with a wonderful
imagination...would think about that?
I'd really want to know how much you
really need to do a parachute jump before committing here.
This might be the only chance I ever get when the time
is this right for me.
Can't you nip in and talk about this?
No, not really. Family and everyone want everything sorting for them.
Debs, I need a button for this shirt.
You're the money wizard. The best, you know you are,
so don't get coy with me, missy.
'I'd want to know exactly how much...'
Oh, don't be like that. Don't be such a misery guts.
Let me here your sunny side up voice.
Have you seen my tie, Debs?
Imagine me, though, from 1,000 feet.
Life and limb!
DOORBELL
< Hello, special delivery!
Could land anywhere, on top of somebody. You, maybe.
(SCREAMING)
That'd stop your whingeing.
I don't know how much longer I can live without you, Monica.
The thing is, I think it might help get rid of this gender model...
That's for 2A. She's round the back.
Can't you just give it to her?
Could turn me round completely.
I'd rather drink urine.
Facing me?
We've got to use our imaginations, haven't we?
Oh, I want your baps in me mouth, smothering me.
There's a thought. Quite a lot of thoughts, actually.
Clouds and steam and ozone.
And landing there, eh? It's like I'm watching a film here.
You set my heart on fire when you sit on my face!
Swirling and turning round - all the way round. Loop the loop,
to where? Hm?
That's the surprise.
A mystery prize for a mystery person.
Say me... Say my name, Mon! Now, now!
I'll get back to you when the kids are at school safe and sound,
all right?
No, no, wait, wait!
Post for you.
Leave it on the step!
Needs signing for.
Oh, sign it yourself and fuck off!
Oh, oh!
Ah, uh!
You OK?
Ignore me. I should listen to what your daddy says.
And learn to put up with this kind of stuff.
What kind of stuff?
Oh, new Karen treating me like a piece of shit.
You what?
Forget it.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Forget nothing. What's she been saying?
Mum!
She said something like,
she's just a low-rent, loudmouth drug dealer in a shitty little dump!
Meaning me.
What can I get you, Mandy?
Got a baseball bat?
Has Mandy come in here?
< Get off me.
Oi, oi, oi, come on!
Mandy!
Get off her!
You're not fit to lick my mum's boots.
Never mind showing her up in public, you sponging piece of shit!
A Maguire, calling me a sponger!
And you! Letting this scrubber loose!
Hey, Mandy, Mum's big enough to fight her own battles!
Exactly what I said.
You must have met enough hairy arse nob-gobblers inside,
why wait 10 years for a woman? Best you've come up with
is half-tramp, half-trannie!
Hey! Mandy!
Get up!
What's your show and tell for the last 10 years, Mand?
You're looking a lot like a woman you swore you'd never be.
We're getting off. Move it.
I'm happy with the changes I've made.
I want a child I'd die for! A pleasure you'll never see.
Not if you get this mutant pregnant.
12 toes and more faces than a town hall clock!
You did all that. Got a kid?
Me and Lip did, yeah.
Plus plenty of other stuff once we get where we're going.
Yeah, right. Your best laid plan.
More than you've achieved, you fucking...
That's not achievement, you dumb bitch.
You got tanked, got your keks down, let this joker slip you one.
Three minutes tops, nine months to naming it and the next 20 years
convincing yourself that a basic mistake was part of a plan.
No you don't, Jamie. Brother or not...
Fucking...!
Ah!
(SCREAMS)
Fuck's sake, Jamie!
How's Lip taking the blame?!
You're not the only Maguire with qualifications. I got an A, six Bs,
1 C, just for starters.
You know nothing about me!
No!
Bell's gone.
Nip down, will you, and tell Ian to sling a few pints down here.
Two for yourself!
Here, stick your head back.
Ah!
Don't rub them. Just blink.
Throw that on your lamps.
Oh, it's true though,
your Mandy...
Way sharper than average.
Yeah, well I'm guessing neither of you got an A in maths.
There's no way you can afford to live as a family.
Not in Nottingham, or anywhere else.
How much is your family costing you now?
Every Thursday I shove Mandy 50 quid for hers and Katie's meals.
It's tough sometimes, but we've stuck to it.
Proved that we can do it, every penny.
Bam, anything spare, whacked in Post Office for when Katie's old enough
to blow it on parties or benders or whatever.
Imagine that, eh? When that happens?
It's gonna freak me out.
Mandy gets subbed two a week from me dad.
Does she fuck.
Who's told you that? You see, that's Paddy having you on,
cos I'm covering everything.
200?
Since when?
So what's...?
Where's my 50 going?
Lip's trying to guess what nappies cost a week.
Average.
What's routine output?
Five, six craps a day,
plus six or seven for just fluids, seven days a week.
Then food, clothes, rent, utilities.
50 can't cover that lot, surely?
Great start, Mand.
That's how you're meant to go on.
Back in the your cage.
Cunt.
Why is it always me?!
Because it is!
Cut the racket, you dickless fuck.
What's your problem?
Actually, is there such a thing as a problem?
Hm? If you truly understand the meaning of the word solution?
Three points for speeding on Chadwick Green.
Oh! Ha!
And why isn't that funny in a post-modern thingy, ah?
Coming from the slowest fucking organism on God's green earth.
You - for speeding?!
I've never even been to Chadwick Green!
Jamie had it that weekend.
Oi! What?!
Why would Jamie be riding your bike
in Chadwick Green, when he's in Derbyshire with Karen?
Why did you do this, Mandy?
We needed the help!
But you had me thinking I was supporting the both of us -
bare-faced fucking lies! Do you even know what this makes me feel like?
Oh, rejection so far, Mandy.
Not a bit bare-faced? Weeks of acting depressed.
Me up until 3am writing letters to the universities, calling them all twats for letting you down!
We swore! Both swore!
If we were gonna do this, we'd only do it off our own...
Where's the harm in a sub if it helps dad feel needed?!
Good for Paddy! That is our backs.
Never mind what that proves!
Lip's not even close to enough!
Believe what you want, prick! The only thing that proves without
doubt is, the most important thing Lip needs is what fucking Lip needs!
So see yourself out, prick!
ALARM
Oi!
If you get a number that isn't
the square root of an equational logarithm, that's a forfeit, yeah?
Yes.
But, if I get a dart in the big circle, Bunty,
you have to buy me a drink, yeah?
Yes.
Oh! Tough.
Industrial standard umbrellas...
Fixed penalty, 60 quid cos of this muppet!
Will you shut up about that fucking ticket?!
I've told you it's a technical error, I'll ring them.
I've tried, 16 times!
So I'll pay the fine. Can we drop it?
Fine.
But that's me on nine points now!
Another three, bye-bye licence, then I'm stuffed! No transport!
Yeah, thanks!
Big deal.
I can't manage without me bike.
You don't go anywhere.
What the fuck's wrong with everyone today?!
What are you having a go at me for?!
Cos you're always whingeing about not getting laid.
So?
So you're not gonna get any cock hanging round here, are you?
So? Cos you're not getting mine.
So, who's asking?!
So stop wasting life - that's pointless enough as it is.
And stop trying to buy me drinks!
Ah, ah!
Oh, come on, Bunty, you're giving incest a bad name, you dozy bitch.
Grab that first aid box.
But for the grace of God goes every one of us.
He threw that.
I need an ambulance! I think I'm gonna faint.
Oh, don't be so gay.
Well, stick a pencil down his gob,
you know, or a bunch of keys down his keks.
Well, tell him we need some smelling salts.
Alternatively, tourniquet thingy.
How embarrassing's that for a Maguire?
Jamie?
Ian!
Does that feel all right?
Lovely.
Paddy, what are you doing?
Karen, d'you know that man?
Paddy, get off!
Out!
Grave error, Karen, taking me for an imbecile.
What have I said now?
Not enough for my liking.
Weekends away with my son, where is it you two actually go?
Anderton Lodge weekends.
If you say so.
And who's he talking to there?
Anderton Lodge, it's Jamie's probation course,
so he deals with probation course people, community liaison coppers.
You know this, Paddy.
Are you OK?
Paddy, look, you're scaring me. Ring the lodge and ask the staff,
the police, the probation officers, ask the police!
I did. Indirectly.
And? They corroborated.
See? So I'm asking her again,
our nearly new Karen,
what does she know about Ronnie Cohen's death?
Him.
Why the fuck did Jamie want them all dead?
One says suicide, the other says accidental death.
I'm aware of that.
But if you know jack shit,
why provide alibis for all three dates?
Alibis? We just went on a course.
So how the fuck's he near Cohen's house the night he died?!
He wasn't though.
Except he was.
Jamie was clocked speeding, Chadwick Green 2am, the night he's supposedly
tucked up in bed with you in Derbyshire.
You do know.
Nothing.
But you do know that I'm not loopy thinking what I'm thinking?
Thank you.
♪ LOUD TRADITIONAL IRISH MUSIC
MUSIC OFF
Actually, do you mind? Helps me focus.
MUSIC ON
Cohen. I'm Ed Fawcett.
They'd agreed to close you down, Dad.
Come again?
Last October when Cohen got paroled,
he persuaded them all to put their heads together.
Regarding me?
To get you.
They were gonna move in in your patch.
Everybody I've ever shared a cell with?
Aggressive envy's a pulse of economics.
Envy's about wanting what someone else has got.
Jealousy's about taking it away from them.
Don't Samuel Pepys me, you US Open University prick.
These specimens were total lightweights.
Worse than harmless.
Not if they joined forces.
There is no patch.
That's not my business model.
I'm in little patches, invisible patches,
scattered patches all over the shop.
Precisely engineered to prevent the Fawcetts, Ahmeds, Cohens getting
the faintest whiff of what makes Patrick Maguire a man of his time.
These jokers,
they weren't capable of joining three dots.
You fucking barbarian. >
No, but our Fergal was joining the dots for them.
Fergal was on Ahmed's pay roll.
So help me.
Denounce your brother again and I'll kick you up there to make apologies.
I have been since last September.
A villa in our Fergal's name.
They bought him that as a down payment.
I heard whispers from a new cellmate.
I couldn't get you involved.
You'd have waded in, whacked the lot of them.
No thought for consequences.
Life for murder.
< And a pleasure.
Not for Mum.
Not for your family.
And especially not for me who was this close to a release date.
That's why you suddenly reversed your plea.
After 10 years denying it.
I needed parole because you needed help.
I've helped.
Was it them fuckers that worked Fergal?
He was gonna bottle it.
And they couldn't risk him grassing to you.
Source for that?
Horse's mouth. >
Felix Fawcett,
just before he topped himself.
Good boy.
He didn't!
He's lying again because he couldn't have.
Anderton Lodge, you never left my side except for the last time.
I spiked your spliff with PVK.
'We both smoked it.'
'I didn't inhale.'
'That's why I had massive downers on Mondays.'
'I only did it so you wouldn't know enough to get into trouble, Karen.'
I'm so sorry.
You're not the only one, Paddy.
So what about your alibi?
Cops at Anderton Lodge.
And me.
What?
Plus me.
Your new Karen
who thought she'd agreed to be somebody's wife
as opposed to bunging some legal loophole that says she can't testify against her husband.
You were only marrying me for an alibi.
No.
Well, fuck the lot of you.
It's all very well saying don't sell
tobacco to minors but that's 70% of our bleeding regulars.
You watch, they'll stop us selling lollipops to fat kids next.
All right, that is it. Stop!
Get the police.
I think you'll find that the bag is mine!
< We need the police for a mugging.
Carl! Shit.
I'm sorry, Yvonne.
I didn't know it were you.
Never mind it's me.
Yvonne.
Hello, yeah, can I have two balti curries,
please, a lamb pasanda and some chapattis. What?
Oh, I'm really sorry.
I have you both on speed dial, I must have pressed wrong number.
Keys in there, get the car.
I needed the money.
If we all needed money that badly, what kind of world would we live in?
Got a couple of quid for some smack.
Fuck off.
For what?
I've got a girl pregnant.
Oh! How many times have I...
Are you right in your bleeding head? What have I always told you
about condoms?
They're not luxuries. You shouldn't even leave the house
without checking there's one in your wallet. Haven't I always said that?
I haven't got a wallet.
What's her name?
We need to talk about this one, Carl.
Don't you be twatting him. I need him alive.
He's gonna be working this off in shop for a long, long time.
Can you nip home and tell the kids were I am?
The kids are in the car.
Why, what have you brought them here for?
Cos, it's not your house anymore.
What?
Crawling with cops. They've sealed it off. Assets recovery agency.
No-one's allowed in until they've recovered
< all the money your husband pilfered.
My husband?!
Get off. I worked for years for everything in that house.
It's nowhere near fair.
Services have arranged emergency housing for you and the kids.
It's down Parsons Wood.
Half my family still live there.
That's all right then, isn't it?
For what we are about to...
How come you lot never eat round at yours?
Because he's put a nail through gas pipe.
For what we are about to... When?
January.
For what we are about...
But you've turned the gas off?
He did.
For what we are about to receive
may the Lord make us truly thankful... Paddy?
Amen. >
Where've you been?
What's wrong with an April wedding if we're claiming to be renegades?
We are in April.
So we are.
Are you out your fucking mind, Paddy?
No...
..Madam, actually not. I'm definitely not
out of my mind but, Madam, thank you for the concern.
You'd best tell me what the fuck's going on here.
I need this wedding signed and sorted
like Saturday or this world of ours
goes tits up forever.
You know we're right to be scared.
Know why? We're not children any more.
This got left for you.
Watch the step, mind.
How's it going there, the refurb?
They're annoyingly undersurprising.
Come and have a gander.
Or a goose even.
Oh, my God, Cal, what have you done?
I need a tenner for the taxi. Quick, before it's 11.
What have you done now, you big daft gormless apoth?
New rule, no stamping up stairs when I'm working stuff out.
Ta-ra.
Hello. This is Norma Starky speaking.
I've got one of your people sprucing up my Norma mobile,
could you just remind me what that's costing me in total, please?
'Â£3,400 plus VAT.'
Thank you. And have you any idea where I'm finding the money?
Carl, who have you got pregnant?
In his dreams, the gimp.
The day he starts multiplying
we all need to start running and taking cover.
That so?!
Carl!
So what's the secret of your success, eh?
Lip Gallagher, loving the sound of his own smart-arsed voice.
Talking the talk about going somewhere. And being somebody.
Being what? What?!
When you got Mandy pregnant the only person you talked about were you.
I'd pay anything not to be like you.
Having to pay for an abortion so I don't end up like you
because the first time you have kids, I wanna be the furthest,
the absolute fucking furthest I could from looking anything
like people like you.
Who is it, Carl?
Carl, who is it?
I can't help you if I don't know the facts.
Facts are nobody else's business.
Oh, only me.
We're busy.
Debbie, Yvonne's downstairs, says she wants to see you.
She knows.
For fuck's sake, she knows.
It's Mina!
Carl, swear it's not Mina.
Yvonne's Mina?!
'Hiya, it's Karen, leave a message.'
Maybe she's gone down to her mother's.
Frank might have an address.
When your dad got paroled from Wandsworth, I said if it's
taught you nothing else, you know how to make a decent bed, Mister.
It will sort itself out.
We'll find her. >
Hero.
Big favour, Debbs. We need somewhere to live.
Course. We can make some room for a few days.
I don't mean board or lodgings.
I've been on phone to your Fiona, I've agreed a price for next door.
I just need our bedding and shit till we get sorted.
Yvonne, you can't live here.
I can live where I want if I'm paying in cash, Carl.
Tell her.
Mina's pregnant.
To me.
In her dreams she's pregnant.
Like last five lads she tried this on with.
Hey?
How much did she ask you for?
500 by Friday.
What have I told you? That is a blackmail.
So you're not?
This isn't fair, you spoil everything.
What did that doctors say?
She needs admitting.
The shrink we paid for.
Oh, two sessions a week.
She'll be right as rain in a year!
I don't think so, pal,
cos you must have got somewhere near to think she were.
Never again.
Give me your word.
Right.
SIREN
Lip, it's Jamie.
Look, I'm sorry about what happened but I need a favour.
Do you know what time it is, you mad twat?
I know, mate, I'm sorry but I need an address for Karen's mum.
Your dad must know where she's living.
I'm not asking him.
Just tell him I wouldn't be waking him up if it wasn't an emergency.
He's not asleep.
So what's the problem?
Dad.
Dad. What?
It's for you. Yeah.
The phone for you.
What now? Fucking hell.
'I just need an address or a landline number.'
For Sheila.
I'll give you a number.
And in at number nine this week is Pick As You Wish.
With, er, hits bohemian thingy.
Plus Pan's People showing their snatch on prime-time television.
'It wrecks yer kecks.'
What's that? Whack!
What's all the noise?
SIREN
Sorry, Callum. It's our Mickey's.
I've never used one of these before. You need warning, though.
Some of this is gonna be details you won't like listening to.
It's the only option if it's my last chance clear my name with you.
Don't say you weren't warned.
Forever our child, forever our keeper.
God owes you one.
Night-night.
And how long can I work there without applying for a permit officially?
Well, for the first three months...
Sorry, what you doin'?
You can't go in there!
Do one!
If I could just get your credit card, we'll get on with the booking.
The fact we haven't hit it off,
I bet you think I don't like women.
I'm more used to boys, easier to please.
Less imagination.
A few days round yours, I felt great.
Only child, middle of a massive family.
Maybe.
Or twigging 'em further up the barrel than I ever thought possible.
You don't need a wedding to stop me grassing on him. I honestly couldn't be fucked.
Life's too short, Mimi.
And, eh, so are you.
Height's no advantage if your brain's anorexic, Tinkerbell.
'Like the eternity ring, Karen, this is yours to do with what you want.
'So long as you know it proves beyond doubt that I didn't need you as an alibi.
'I asked you to marry me because you're the only woman I couldn't be without.
'I murdered all three of them.
'I'm not proud of that, but they deserved it and I'll do it again under the same circumstances...'
Jesus, Mimi! If this gets out they'll bang him up for good.
Up the barrel to you.
Guard it with his life.
20 million women.
Name one with vows like yours.
That's why boys make good company, Karen.
Mine anyway.
It's miles to my school from here.
Mine's nearer - longer in bed.
I can't afford school fees and private shrinks.
I've got you both into Chatsworth High School.
Mum! No! You can't! I'm not going there!
You were fucked up enough with one personality!
I told you!
50p for a cup of tea, Mister?
Get back in your car or you're going home in a coffin.
I heard you got this place. I brought you this.
Is that the thing? Throw families out on the street and bring 'em a plant?!
Nobody enjoys repossessing houses.
Well don't fucking do it then!
What do you think, Norma?
For once in me life, I feel like I got me money's worth!
Ho-ho-ho!
OK, make that twice in me life!
Oh! This is a happenin' thing then, eh, Chick?
Eh?
Eugh! Full-on gays, kissing!
What's going on?
We're off!
You're not going for good?
It was your idea, buddy boy.
I said pretend you're going somewhere.
How's it going?
I didn't mean you should actually go to Texas.
Fuck's sake, Norma.
You can't leave!
Since when did my house become a refugee camp?
Since you moved into the pub and stopped paying us rent.
And I took over t'mortgage and if Carol asks very nicely, in Urdu,
you might get a lift back to t'pub with these.
Over-educated pikeys.
A working-class variant known to us as two-faced, jumped-up cunts.
No abbreviation available, sorry.
Billions, taxpayers' money,
persuading scabby little know-alls they can be anything they want,
that there's a place for 'em at the top if they work twice as hard as a semi-detached.
Tinkers with nits and social workers turning into captains of industry,
Members of Parliament,
teachers, lawyers, doctors and, you know, fucking them lot, thingies...
You know how it's meant to work - float to the top, sending privileges downstream to us.
Well, name one! Second they see past Stafford, they're laughing at us!
Treat us like fucking infections! Us!
The hands that fed 'em, us, the ones that taught them everything they know.
Crossing the eyes, dropping the Es.
So forth.
(LAUGHS)
Eh, Exhibit A.
Poor old, fucking whatsit, Eugene! Double shift every day for ten years
so their Christabelle could train as a lawyer. What thanks did she give him? Er, hello?
Seven years' sentence for fiddling with her yonks back - but yonks back!
Eh - suggestion box.
Leave the pikeys with us.
Spend some of the savings on welfare, hold a few bob back for consequences,
redundancies, riots, civil disorders, et cetera.
Job done, tick, over and out.
What was your question again?
Shift your seat, please, Frank, cos these should be in the freezer.
You buyin' us a drink, Bo' Selecta?
Get lost!
Get fucked them. Shan't.
Bloody hell. What you got in here?
Just a few bikinis and that.
It's Texas, not Tenerife.
I know, but it's gonna be hot and I wanna top up my tan.
You like it when I'm all tanned, don't you? And oily.
What's this?
Hang on. Did you manage to...?
How many sides can a love triangle have?
First you're cold, heartless and smelly and then suddenly, soppy.
Gradually building up your strength to win your girl back... again?
Lezzers or not, you're just showing yourselves up.
Come on! Inside!
Get changed into penis-based clobber
and we can hie thee off with shitloads of tweezers, fair lady.
He's right, Norm - if we set off now, we'd only hit the traffic.
Why don't you come to the pub with us?
It'll be a laugh!
HE MAKES CLIP-CLOPPING NOISE
BOTH LAUGH
MONICA SHRIEKS
CHURCH BELL TOLLS
♪ We've come so far
♪ And we've reached so high
♪ And we've looked each day and night in the eye
♪ And we're still so young
♪ And we hope for more
♪ We've come a long way
♪ But we're not too sure where we've been
♪ Doo-doo-doo
♪ We've had success ♪ Doo-doo-doo
♪ We've had good times ♪ Doo-doo-doo
♪ But remember this
♪ Been on this path of life for so long
♪ Feel I've walked a thousand miles
♪ Sometimes strolled hand-in-hand with love
♪ Everybody's been there
♪ With danger on my mind, I would stand on the line of hope
♪ And I knew I could make it
♪ Once I knew the boundaries, I looked into the clouds and saw
♪ My face in the moonlight
♪ Just then I realised what a fool I could be
♪ Just cos I look so high, I don't have to see me
♪ Finding the paradise wasn't easy but still
♪ There's a road going down the other side of this hill
♪ Never forget where you've come here from
♪ Never pretend that it's all real
♪ Someday soon this will all be someone else's dream
♪ This will be someone else's dream
♪ Never
♪ Everybody sing, ooh baby!
♪ Never
♪ No, never
♪ Never forget, no, no
♪ Come on! Come on! Everybody, everybody!
♪ Everybody, everybody!
(THEY CHEER)
♪ Never forget where you've come here from
♪ Never pretend that it's all real
♪ Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream
♪ This will be someone else's dream
♪ We've come so far
♪ And we've reached so high
♪ And we'd looked each day and night in the eye
♪ And we're still so young ♪ I shagged the bride
♪ And we hope for more ♪ ♪ I shagged the bride ♪
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